Tag: snarky speaks

alright if i’m going to ace this wholesome mormon thanksgiving nonsense i have to get up to some white jello fuckery

the other day my wife cyberbullied me in real life for eating the whitest meal she’s ever seen in her entire life

and to be fair it’s hard to argue when you’ve got an avocado, a little plate of cubed manchego cheese, and a caramel brulee latte from starbucks

sometimes you just gotta dunk some milk in cake mix and nuke it for a few minutes before shoveling it into your nasty goblin mouth and that’s okay

my mom has a lot of ambition and business ideas now that she’s divorced and finally has a place again and is back in school

she wants to start a publishing company she says, and she’s like oh!! you should write things and i’ll publish them

one, mother, it’s a lot harder to write and edit and publish than it looks 

and two: mother, you are Very Super Mormon and literally everything i write is either gay, alien fucking, swearin’ like a sailor trash or just an unholy combination of all three

like the shit i write is mild compared to a lot of the xeno tomfoolery i see around but come on, mom.

my cat just scared himself with his own sneeze and ran into a wall

he’s a very good very dumb boy

getting real tired of stabbing abdominal pains and stomach upset if I eat a single food item

shredded wheats are good as hell but are they truly worth the gallon of milk you gotta use to make them edible instead of shards of carpet