so my conservative mormon grandmother came to my apartment unexpectedly and i panicked because uh my living room looks like this

help

Oh my god. I can’t remember- I can’t remember where I put my keys. Taako, you have to kill me. I’ll remember if I’m a lich- You have to kill me!

Barry Bluejeans, probably

You would not believe your lips

If baby boomers learned to tip

today I got asked by like five tourists how to get to trails and national parks and it’s like bitch does it look like i go outside

there’s a sense of indescribable loss when you were eating a snack and you lose it

like you know you didn’t finish it and it doesn’t matter if it’s half a bagel or a quarter of a ritz cracker the loss still echoes through you the same way

i didnt even know my cat was in the room until i heard the tiniest, squeakiest snore at my ankles and i am Blessed

coworker: so any plans for this weekend?
me: sleeping.
coworker: come on, it’s the fourth of july!
me: …sleeping patriotically.

snarkmodeactivate:

snug

this was marked as sensitive content avert your eyes from my tiny cat

MWAAAAAAAAAAH

is staff going to start blocking their thisfreelife ads since it features very spooky sinful gays and we can’t let kids see that