black-rose-blade:

usbdongle:

having parents that were really angry and petty and abusive when you were young is weird, because it makes part of you grow up to want to be kind, to generate good things, to be a source of peace and wellbeing for others; but it makes another part of you grow up to be quick, and sharp, and spiteful, and that’s always the part that shows itself first in a hard situation, so it’s a struggle between your hateful gut reactions and your wish to not add any more misery to the world. it’s a hard balance, and the people who really, really know me – i know they see that anger flash in my eyes before i quiet it, if i quiet it…i want to overcome years of conditioning, and with gentle, constant force, i know i’ll mellow it. it just takes time.

Growing up with years of anger surrounding you will do that to you and the struggle to actually be a better person is always there, just beneath the surface, and pushing it down and looking for a way to transform it and release it in a positive way takes some time and so much effort, but it’s always worth it in the end, because you feel so proud of yourself when your empathy wins over years of conditioned anger.