amuseoffyre:

systlin:

helloitsbees:

earlhamclassics:

thoodleoo:

thoodleoo:

there’s a lot of evidence that the iliad and the odyssey were actually composed by a variety of poets through an oral tradition rather than just by one poet, so what if the homeric texts are actually just a very long game of D&D

homer, the dm: okay achilles, agamemnon has just taken away your war prize, what do you want to do
achilles’ player: i roll to have a diplomatic conversation with agamemnon
achilles’ player: *rolls a 1*
homer: you throw the staff of speaking at agamemnon’s face and storm off to sulk with your boyfriend

Homer, the DM: Your beautiful Patroclus is dead. What do you do?
Achilles’ player: I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: You can’t fight everyone. How would you even–
Achilles’ player: *rolls a 20* I fight everyone.
Homer, the DM: *sighs* Fine. You cut a path through the Trojan army, enemy dead strewn in your wake.
Achilles’ player: How many?
Homer, the DM: …lots. Enough to clog the friggin’ river with bodies.
Achilles’ player: I fight the river.
Homer, the DM: You. can. not. fight. the. river.
Achilles’ player: *reaches for dice*

Homer, the DM: Okay guys, so the war’s over, you had a bunch of losses but you won in the end. Time to go home, let’s roll to see who gets there firs—

Odysseus’s player: I got a critical failure.

Homer, the DM; “Ok seriously guys they’re not going to fall for the giant horse.”

Odysseus’ player; “I just rolled a nat 20 on my deception check.”

Homer, the DM; “What the fuck.”

Paris’s player: I’mma shoot Achilles

Achilles’ player: Dude, immortal? You want a dictionary to look it up?

Paris’ player: *looks Achilles’ player dead in the eye* I’m going to shoot him in the heel.

Achilles’ player: Are you serious? Tell me you aren’t serious? You’re going to shoot the one inch of non-immortal me?

Homer, the DM: Hey, it’s his roll he’s wasting.

Paris’s player: *smugly rolls and to everyone’s surprise including his own, rolls a natural 20*

Homer, the DM: Well, shit.